Reconciling With Self - Mending Relationships - Facing Pain E25

Episode number 25 is an interview of 3Ps host, Lenora Turner by Marnie Swedberg.  Packed full of great information I think you'll really enjoy.

It covers six helpful topics: 

• How to stop sabotaging ourselves  
• Ways to understand our own purpose
• Secrets to launching and growing projects
• How to turn around strained relationships
• Simple strategies for expanding diversity on teams
• Even helpful tips on how to face painful situations

Marnie is a coach, leader and Christian speaker.  I hope you enjoy it and pass it on to a friend. You're bound to find a few things in there. I think that will help you. And thank you for listening.

Books discussed in this podcast are:
1. The People Code by Taylor Hartman, Ph.D.
2. Better Than Before by Gretchen Rubin
3. The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman
4. Struggle Well by Ken Falke

Quote by Marnie Swedberg: "However great the pain is, the blessing that's coming is even greater."

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Note: Episode was recorded under the former podcast name of "3Ps in a Pod"

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Transcript

A Montage from Self Sabotage to Diversity & Facing Pain

Lenora Turner:  I'm Lenora your host of 3Ps In A Pod. Welcome to purpose, pathways, and perspectives. Today's podcast episode number 25 is an interview actually of me that Marnie Swedberg did.  And it's packed full of great information, in my opinion. That sounds really arrogant, but I listened to it again and I think you'll really enjoy it.

[00:00:35] It covers everything from how to stop sabotaging ourselves, ways to understand our own purpose, secrets to launching and growing projects, how to turn around strained relationships, simple strategies for expanding diversity on teams and even helpful tips on how to face painful situations.

[00:00:57] It's really full. And I actually had a great time talking with Marnie. She is a coach and a leader as well as a Christian speaker and we had a good time. So, I hope you enjoy it and pass it on to a friend. You're bound to find a few things in there, I think, that will help you. And thank you for listening. I hope you subscribe and rate the podcast and here we go.    

[00:01:25] Marnie Swedberg: Hey everybody. Welcome, welcome. This is Marnie and I'm excited to have you here with us today with Lenora Turner of Seattle, Washington. We're going to be talking about purpose, pathways and perspectives. Welcome Lenora. 

[00:01:39] Lenora Turner: Thank you so much, Marnie. Really glad to be with you. 

[00:01:41] Marnie Swedberg: It's great to have you here. And we're going to be talking about how to stop sabotaging yourself, seven ways to better understand yourself and your purpose inside, your secrets to launching and growing projects, how to turn around strained relationships, four simple strategies for expanding diversity on your teams, and insider secrets for facing painful situations.

[00:02:01] And we're all kind of this whole season is kind of tough. Lenora is such a great one to share this information with us because she is inspiring leaders across the world with an entertaining solution-based focus regarding leadership thinking, workforce development and the freedom delivering power of God's word. Her website is lenoradiane.com.

[00:02:25] And so with that welcome, and let's go ahead and dive in. 

[00:02:29] Lenora Turner: Thank you so much. And, and obviously with the list of those bullet points, we can talk for days. I mean, there's, there's a lot of information here, so we'll have to touch on things, but, yeah, I'm very excited.  I care so much about helping people sense their potential, inspire hope again and do the things they feel that they care about.

[00:02:48] Marnie Swedberg: Right. And don't wait, don't wait for things to settle down. You know, I just keep saying my motto since summer has been take action now, because now is the right time. You know, God is not sitting in heaven, wringing his hands, waiting for things to settle down. He is moving in hearts and lives right now this moment.

[00:03:08] And that's what we want to get on board with him. 

[00:03:11] Lenora Turner: Yeah, we can be surprised, but he's never been surprised. So you've got to know your source. Got to know and go to your source. Yeah, for me, it's been keep taking steps. I'll put these on so I can 

[00:03:21] Marnie Swedberg: That's right. Keep taking steps forward. That's right. And sometimes the step forward is to stand still.

[00:03:27] And to see what God's going to do for you. But oftentimes the step is actually to take some positive action every morning. Every morning, I have been just getting up for almost a year now. I've been getting up and saying, what do you want me to do today? Because he does have plans for us today, even if it's prayer, whatever it is.

[00:03:46] He has plans for us today. So the first thing we want to touch on is sabotage. Self-sabotage. So, this is kind of you know, it's been kind of a trendy phrase for a while, but the reality is that we can speak to ourselves in such a way that we discourage and bum ourselves out. 

[00:04:05] Lenora Turner: Yeah. Yeah. And I, I caught myself doing this and I think we all do. We all have the same similar struggles when sometimes we do also, we struggle alone, and we shouldn't. So, I'm glad we have broadcasts like this in so many ways. I encourage people to get good things in your ears and in your eyes and say good things out of your mouth. But  I know in sabotaging myself, one of the biggest key needs, cause I could go through quite a few things, but one of the biggest things I've found that has helped me is really, there was a time in my life I had to mend my relationship with myself. Because here I thought I wanted to do things, I was trying to accomplish things. I was kind of driven even at times, really trying to make myself do a bunch of things.

[00:04:44] But I was actually sabotaging myself because I was treating myself like such a bully. I was kind of just saying hey Lenora you know, I didn't realize how critical I was of myself. Everything I did is like, Oh, that was stupid. Why did you do that? I can't believe you didn't do it this way. And I really, at the time, the same time I was trying to do something, I was being the worst kind of friend to myself that I probably could have been.

[00:05:08] And you can get to the point to where you think you're wanting to move forward, but you're almost like a dual personality thing where you're saying... I actually got this spot image years ago. When I was in this worst spot where I was like, I walked into a room, saw myself sitting at a table, crossed arms going, I dare you to make me. And it was talking to myself. I was not going to cooperate. I went I won't cooperate with you. I don't care if you fail. It turns out it was like, well, if you, aren't going to treat yourself with respect and honor and forgive yourself for the little things, encourage yourself, you'll get to where you can't cooperate.

[00:05:49] So that was the number one thing about stopping the sabotaging of myself was I had to mend the relationship I had with myself. That makes sense. 

[00:06:00] Marnie Swedberg: It does it does. I was thinking, I was thinking earlier this week, I was thinking about how in our areas of weakness. So not, you know, not in the easy stuff that comes easy to us, but in the stuff that's either new or, or is more difficult for us, we tend to think of ourselves as losers, as hopeless as you know, I can't do it, won't do it, whatever, you know, like that. And we need to just partner with God's perspective of us, that he sees us. He actually sees us as already done already perfect. That's how he sees us when he looks at us. He doesn't look and say, wow, are you a mess!

[00:06:43] Lenora Turner: Yeah. Think about when you're as a parent, if you, if you are a parent and you, your kids are learning how to walk. I mean, they would get up and they fall down, they get up and they fall down. Now, if you're any kind of a healthy parent, you aren't going, Oh, I'm embarrassed that they fell down. You're saying, everyone's telling their friends, Oh my gosh, my son or my daughter took a step today; took two steps.

[00:07:03] And they are just so excited. God does that with us. He's like, he's not seeing every time you fell down, he's going, she took a step. He took a step. And he's excited about that. And we've got to realize sometimes our perspective of him is wrong. He is excited. He's created us. He's, he's terribly impressed with his creation and knows we need him.

[00:07:23] And we have to be gracious to ourselves, but four words that helped me love, accept, honor, and respect myself. And then you got to focus on what you can do. What can I do? What's a step I can take? And stop belittling the things that I hadn't done. Sometimes I'm like I could feel great about something I accomplished, but instead I tell myself how, well that wasn't that impressive. It was like, wow, you got to shut the words down and become, your, in a way, internally, a best friend.

[00:07:58] How would you encourage a friend who was down? Do you do that yourself, to yourself? And if you're afraid, sometimes you have to do a step afraid. 

[00:08:09] Marnie Swedberg: Yeah, absolutely. Sorry about that. Yeah, absolutely. So I think that, I think that the key to remember is, is how is God seeing you?

[00:08:21] You know when I'm really confused about something I just say, well, let me just call on the cross with Jesus and look at things from his perspective. And that changes everything. 

[00:08:30] Lenora Turner: His, he says his ways are higher than ours. Like he thinks so much more positively than we do. He has solutions we can't even dream of. So yeah, sinking into him. Trusting that he's as good as, as he is. Find a way. 

[00:08:45] Marnie Swedberg: Yep, absolutely. Let's talk about the seven ways to understand yourself and your purpose. So, what is number one? 

[00:08:52] Lenora Turner: Number one, I think is the most important. And that is this, your life by itself is of significant value. I think, and I believe in things that you're gifted to do and a purpose you have in life.

[00:09:09] And by the way, we have multiple purposes. If I were to go to step number two, you're a mom, you're a daughter, you're a wife, you're a coworker, you're a director, whatever it is that you do, that's multiple purposes in life. It's not just one thing. But, your life by itself is of great value. You, if you think of the stories in the news... several years ago, now when the entire world was watching a situation where there was a number of young boys and a number of men that were trapped underground, deep, underground in a cave. The entire world was watching the rescue.

[00:09:45] Marnie Swedberg: Right, right. 

[00:09:46] Lenora Turner: When you think about it, it wasn't so they could go to work the next day. It wasn't so they could go to school the next day. It's because their lives mattered, and we wanted them rescued. Number one, you just being a human being is enough to go wow, we want you to succeed. We want you to be here. You alone; your life matters. That's the number one thing.

[00:10:13] Marnie Swedberg: I talk about in the five levels of personal power, I talk about power level. Number one is that you exist. And I always talk about how before a baby comes into the world, they, you know, when they're coming into the world, they have no ability to do anything for themselves.

[00:10:29] They're completely dependent. They don't, they don't like provide you with any income, they don't just…

[00:10:35] Lenora Turner: They do the opposite. 

[00:10:37] Marnie Swedberg: Yeah. Yeah. What an impact they have on your family, that baby comes in and they make you laugh, and they make you stay up all night and they have so much power and so much effect on you just by their pure existence. So yeah, just, just the fact that you are is hugely significant. So what's number two? 

[00:10:59] Lenora Turner: Number two is one I did just touch on it is, uh, I'm going to scoot myself here just so I can see this too, because I'm kind of a cheater with my, some of my notes that we do have multiple purposes. This really helped me.

[00:11:12] I always thought there was one thing. And if I didn't do that, I was just failing and realizing hey, there's a whole lot of milestones. You're a friend, it's a purpose. It matters that you're encouraging others. That you're being that wife or that mom, or don't say I'm just an at home mom. Oh my gosh.

[00:11:32] The more people we have help and love on our kids, the healthier our families are, the healthier our world is. So don't "just" these things about yourself. We have many purposes, so there are things and sometimes different seasons of your life you have different purpose.

[00:11:44] Marnie Swedberg: Right. 

[00:11:45] Lenora Turner: Remember, there's more than more than one thing you can do. And sometimes we're doing them at the same time. We're doing several at the same time. 

[00:11:51] Marnie Swedberg: And sometimes what God calls us to do is just for one person, literally it's for one person. And sometimes you won't even know who that one person is. You're just supposed to do it out of obedience to Christ and let it go.

[00:12:06] You know, Cecil Murphy, he's the coauthor or I'm sorry, not the coauthor, but the, um, what do you call a ghostwriter for many, many books, over a hundred books, many best-selling books. And when he talks about when he got, when he got writer's block was when he had had some bestsellers and then he thought, how am I going to make this book a best seller?

[00:12:27] I have to make this book a bestseller. And he couldn't keep on going with the kind of product that he had been producing until he could actually release that into the hands of God and say, my job is not to determine the outcome here. My job is to do the best I can with what I'm supposed to do. And that's, you know, the multiple purposes that it's so freeing to know that a lot, you said, like it's not, I just don't have just one thing I'm supposed to do.

[00:12:54] And if that doesn't turn out the way I expect, and my life is over. Not even close. Heaven's perspective will tell. Yeah. What's number three? 

[00:13:03] Lenora Turner: Another one is to discover and appreciate how you're actually wired. Now I know that's huge. A book that I love. Um, gosh, I'll pop it up here. I think it's okay.

[00:13:15] Taylor Hartman's The People Code. There are other ones that are out there and I know there's different things you can take tests and things. But when I started going, Oh, seeing how I'm wired. Everyone has natural giftings, but I know sometimes we can, I used to sometimes think, well, how come everyone doesn't think like I do?

[00:13:31] And then when I learned about these different ways that people are basically wired at their core, it was one really, really great to understand, Oh my gosh, no wonder I'm so driven this way or why I approach things this way. But it also really helped me with relationships with others, seeing that. Oh, my gosh.

[00:13:49] I began to really respect the way they approach things; how different they were from me. There are certain personalities that are like, though, we do need to submit to authority, there's some that have this thing, hey, just, don't try to control me, you know, and others try to be too controlling. Now, every great strength has great weaknesses.

[00:14:06] So no matter who we are, we need each other. That's why we need a group, and we need a tribe or squads or whatever you want to call it. Other people. Cause we need to balance each other out. But to find out how you're wired, oh my gosh, it's really kind of fun. I was used to be good at kind of morphing myself into like a chameleon.

[00:14:24] I'm trying to be for everyone, I thought I should be for everyone else. And wasn't comfortable in my own skin when I realized, Hey, here's my strengths. And here's someone else's strengths. I could focus on what I was good at and not pretend I was going to be good at everything. So how I'm wired and then if I got to another one.

[00:14:42] What are your top love languages? So these are out of people's books. Those are, that's a special thing too, is I know what motivates me. A top one for me is in other words, what things are when they happen, make me feel loved. And words of encouragement is the top one for me. Yeah. Words matter. And so I think that's why I have found even during this year, 2020, that I do better myself when I am encouraging others, even if I'm not having a good day. And I say, I encourage somebody, I feel better because I'm using my gift. Now so when people encourage me, of course, it's a big deal. Yeah. So understanding those things about yourself, help you go, Oh, this is something I can do to make myself feel better or how I'm, how I fit in this puzzle of life.

[00:15:33] Marnie Swedberg: Yeah. And it's so it's so, both and because the one on the one hand, you're helping yourself understand yourself, why you react the way you do and how you can interact with others, but it helps you to understand other people and that they're not wrong. They're just different. And so...

[00:15:49] Lenora Turner: Yeah, what a thought. 

[00:15:49] Marnie Swedberg: Yeah, I know right, but it's so freeing and it's so empowering. Yeah. I'm reading one right now called Better Than Before talking about the personalities and how we do. And she doesn't even go into like the four main personalities, like Myers-Briggs or anything, but she comes out at a whole different angle.

[00:16:08] There's so much we can learn about this and as we discover the creativity of God expressed through individuals, we become more willing to be authentically who he created us to be, which enables us then to let him flow authentically through us. Like he cannot flow through anybody else the way he can flow through you. You're it.

[00:16:29] And so if you're not being who you are in him. If you're hiding some of that, because you don't think it's correct or you'd rather be like somebody else, it's just, it's disheartening to him because it's like, you're not completing your whole purpose for which he created you. So that it's beautiful.

[00:16:48] Lenora Turner: Yeah. And one of the other 2 points is what comes easy for you because sometimes you think, well, it's easy for me. So we belittle it and going, no that's because you're gifted. That's because you're good at this. Not everybody's good at what you think everyone's good at. And so. What comes easy for you? It's not easy for everyone.

[00:17:05] Some people words come easy for other people. It's math. It's, it's the numbers looking at the probabilities. It's looking at, it's doing the work with your hands. It's the builders. There are so many things you can be good at, but so stop belittling what comes easy to you. It's how you're wired and it's part of your gifting and it's needed.

[00:17:24] Marnie Swedberg: Yeah. Yeah. That's awesome. That's awesome. Okay. What comes easily to me, was that number four? 

[00:17:30] Lenora Turner: It could have been number five. Cause I know top love language is one, but that's another book I love reading.

[00:17:35] Marnie Swedberg: Oh I love that Love Languages. If you guys haven't read that you have to get it. Is it Chapman?

[00:17:42] Lenora Turner:  Gary Chapman, yeah.

[00:17:43] Marnie Swedberg: Yeah. Is the author really, really life changing as far as just being able to not only understand why sometimes people are saying, I love you and you don't feel loved. And why you're expressing love that they don't feel loved. Because it depends on the language you're speaking with. I love the first analogy in the book is you're in Russia and someone is saying something to you and you don't know the language and you can't understand that they're saying, Oh, you're just the most beautiful person I've ever seen. You have no idea what they're saying. And so you don't receive it the way they're intending it because you cannot understand it. And so this love language thing is just huge. Okay. So what's number six? 

[00:18:20] Lenora Turner: Number six. What games did you play when you were little?

[00:18:23] That can be a clue to what's actually your gifting and some of your purpose. Like when I was a kid I used to talk to, well, I didn't do it a lot, but I remember sometimes, you know, teaching to stuffed animals or teaching and I didn't line them up and do it a ton. I forgotten I actually did that.  I would talk to fake people or something on my bed, or I would also, I liked making my sister laugh.

[00:18:48] Or I like making my friends laugh. I didn't know I had a gift there. Now sometimes when I've been too serious in life, that gift is like, where did it go? I used to be funny. But who knew that I would eventually later use actually for 15 years, I did a comedy show for women and who knew that I could be funny like that?

[00:19:07] And, but I'd played with, as a kid, I liked doing that. I like to teach. Now I used to be a very undisciplined in my thoughts and I'd be all over the place. So I had to learn some skills, but I wanted to connect with people and help them understand things. So some of it can be, what did you like doing as a kid?

[00:19:25] And you may have forgotten some of those things and they're actually can be really nice clues to your actual wiring and your talents. 

[00:19:33] Marnie Swedberg: I love that. What's number seven? 

[00:19:35] Lenora Turner: I did talk about what comes easy for you. Don't belittle it. It's not easy for everyone and you, maybe jot a list of what comes easy for you, and then pay attention to it because you can sometimes get paid really well, eventually, if you turn that into a skill and then begin to use it. That will really impact you for your purpose.

[00:19:57] Again, whether or not you're paid for it, it can make a nice impact. Yeah. And another one, go ahead. Okay, no, go ahead. Finish up. I was going to say, what do others see in you? Obviously, you want to talk to people that you that are positive, but what do others see in you? Sometimes they'll recognize things, but you just ask them, help me; I'm trying to figure out what am I good at? 

[00:20:18] What are my strengths? What are my, what do you think my purpose is? I'll do that to somebody I didn't use to years ago, but I'll literally say, would you encourage me? I need to hear it. I'm like, I'm a words person. I need someone to feed me words right now, you know, feed my soul.

[00:20:32] And then I also have to appreciate myself. Sometimes I have to write down, Oh, look what I have done because I'd forget it. So what others see in you? And I want to say, lastly, be willing to try and fail. That might've been eight. But you know, so again, when you learn how to walk; if you aren't willing to get up again, you could be still sitting on a potty pad somewhere. So it's like, you have to be willing to get up again. You're going to fail. It's a part of the process where sometimes the way too afraid of it, I certainly was.

[00:20:59] But I've learned, Oh, you just, it's not quite so scary. It doesn't mean the end. You get up, you try again, you figure stuff out. We did it as kids. We still gotta do that as adults. 

[00:21:09] Marnie Swedberg: Yeah, I had to redefine it for myself as feedback. So failure is feedback. Failure isn't failure. Failure is feedback and you cannot move forward unless sometimes you make mistakes. It's just impossible to go forward without making any mistakes. You know, you even think of in Jesus's life.

[00:21:27] I get a kick out of a couple of times when it's clear that he really didn't know what was going to happen next. Now it's not always clear. Like sometimes I think he did kind of know what was going to come next. But other times he didn't. Like at the wedding of Canaan, his mom says to him, Hey, they're out of wine.

[00:21:42] And he says, Yeah, so what's that got to do with me? In other words, I don't have anything to do here today about that. But within minutes, within a short period of time, he understood that he actually did have something to do about it today. It became clear to him that there was an action he was supposed to, or got to do his first miracle.

[00:22:01] It's like, Oh, today's the day I get to do my first miracle. Look at that. So if I was going to be me, I would say, well, how did I fail to know that in advance. I mean, I'm God, I'm Jesus. I should have known that, but somehow, he was perfectly fine with not knowing until he knew.

[00:22:20] Lenora Turner:  That's good.

[00:22:21] Marnie Swedberg:  We beat ourselves up about that all the time, but you can't know until it's time to know. 

[00:22:27] Lenora Turner: You know, I remember being on a call with I was actually a prayer partner years ago on a TV program. And so I would take this call and I remember getting this call, and I was like in my early twenties and somebody was calling and they were very, very sad about they had been married for many, many years now that their spouse had died.

[00:22:45] And I remember thinking, yeah, How can I help this person? I'm not anywhere near that age. I hadn't been married. I certainly had been married for years and somebody I loved had died and I had a sense of the Holy Spirit, you know, a little still quiet voice inside said, do you know what it is to be lonely?

[00:23:00] Yeah. Just help her she's lonely. Oh, so you just talk about a few things that related to that. And I went, Oh, so you can have it relating to the core needing somebody, which is I need to be loved. I need to be there, I need to be hope for their future, things like that. 

[00:23:17] Marnie Swedberg: And just to trust that God's so got it. I mean, he's so got you. And he's got them too, so it's okay. Yeah. So what are some insider secrets to launching and growing projects? 

[00:23:27] Lenora Turner: Yeah, totally different topic. Huh?

[00:23:30] Because I work on some projects and thankfully, I've been told over the years, I've been pretty faithful on one for some years. And, uh, one key is to understand the ask. In this case, it was something I was kind of handed a project that somebody else wanted done but didn't have time to do. And I really was responsible to help it grow.

[00:23:48] So I needed to understand what is the purpose? What do they actually want? Is it clear? And then look for common ground to build on. In this case, it was a project within a bigger system. And so I knew if I was going to be successful, I had to, uh, it had to align up with the, uh, it wasn't the same as other things, but it needed to line up with the core values.

[00:24:12] And so I had to find the common ground. And, uh, so some of this was just that prep of how does this line up? And I, for a while had some of the lineup. And then I found out later I was missing one of the major pieces and it was like, Oh my goodness. When I helped line that up and I started speaking it out loud and communicating how this lined up with what we already were doing and what we do believe in, it helped me gain because I was gaining traction with the values of others I was trying to work with. 

[00:24:41] Hmm. So that's one, understand the ask, understand what it is you're trying to accomplish. And it made me clear along clearer, along the way, but you have to have a good sense of your direction and then finding common ground to build on. And then when I'm working with others, when I'm working with teams, assume best intentions.

[00:25:00] Marnie Swedberg: I love that. 

[00:25:01] Lenora Turner: You've got to assume people in my case, I knew what I was building was not a top priority. It couldn't be. Lots of people didn't care. I couldn't take that personally. There are other things that were priorities. And so I've had to have a lot patience. I've had to use a lot of patience.

[00:25:17] Sometimes I've said a stupid amount of patience. But realize that people are busy. There are things going on. They weren't trying to exclude me. I had to assume best intentions or you can get yourself offended and off course and stop; trying to be effective. Should I just, I can just keep on going through some of these points?

[00:25:37] Marnie Swedberg: Yeah, yeah. Go ahead.

[00:25:38] Lenora Turner: Okay and I kinda mentioned it have patience, have patience. For me it's taken, I I've said it a few times to others too. Hey, this is going to take a stupid amount of patients.

[00:25:48] Stupid amount. It's like, I cannot believe I'm still working on this, but if you're really trying to accomplish something that's new or different, it takes patience. You're trying to gain traction. It takes time to build momentum; takes time to realize what's timing, what's the right timing. So another one is, I love the word pilot.

[00:26:11] Sometimes when people, when you're starting something new or a new piece of it, and you, some people they're worried about their own performance. And if you can use the word we're going to “pilot” this. We're going to beta test this. It takes the pressure off the team, takes the pressure off everyone from being perfect.

[00:26:28] Marnie Swedberg: Changes the expectation. 

[00:26:30] Lenora Turner: Yeah, it helps you go, okay the pilot or beta means we're going to work to get this right. We're trying it, but we're also going to adjust it. So one another way, someone else used to say this, that I highly respect and, he's a great leader. And he said, you know what? You don't always want to go for a home run, often you want to go for a base hit.

[00:26:47] Marnie Swedberg: Right, right. 

[00:26:48] Lenora Turner: Go for the base hit. You'll build from there. So pilot's a great word. Beta test is a great word. So you can take the pressure off and figure it out. Another one, celebrate efforts as you go celebrate the effort, celebrate the intentions, celebrate the successes you have.

[00:27:06] And for me, again, I'm working with others that are already very busy, make it as easy as possible for them to give a yes. I had a conversation once with a very, very senior leader, a couple of them, and they were, at the time they thought I wasn't, I think, there was kind of surprised I wasn't taking certain steps to make it happen because some people are really good at making things happen.

[00:27:30] And I said, I understand, in fact, I actually get good results when I ask people to do this because of the role I have. I said, but I don't think it's easy enough yet. And I actually surprised a little bit, and he went, I agree with you. I know, that's why I haven't pushed this. Until it's easier for these people that are already so busy, already working very hard, which I highly respect, and I'm not going to push them farther and make them feel guilty and they just make it another thing to execute.

[00:27:58] I was like, no, I've got to make this easy for them to engage with. I want to, and then I'm going to praise their work because I do know the ones I'm working with are very busy and I highly respect their efforts. So again, I can't take it personally that they don't care to hear about what Lenora has to say today.

[00:28:15] You know, it's not about me. It's about what are we trying to accomplish as a team? And when does it make sense? And so quit putting my ego in front of everything and realize everyone's, again, back to assume best intentions. And then when you have the successes, another one is leveraging those successes.

[00:28:33] Tell those stories and give honor, where honor is due to those that are taking steps. I found that the project that I work on, or different ones I have, and I've worked on in different ones. So I don't want to just pin this on one particular project, but, uh, people often want to participate, but they've also have a lot of things they're juggling.

[00:28:53] So when you can assume that again, back to that intention, they want to do this. You've got to make it reasonable for them, with everything else you're trying to accomplish. Uh, and then sometimes I assume the, yes, I assume the yes. And I just, just like, I learned that once working at an airline when I was working on sales and they said the assumptive sale, that was a nice win for me. I've used it ever since, for years. 

[00:29:17] There's times where, um, it's appropriate to realize, Hey, they're actually coming, when I worked at the airlines and I was doing the sales, they were coming, people come to me to find out about flights. I wasn't even calling them. So they want to get one. So assume you can find a solution for them.

[00:29:32] So, assume the yes and then, uh, share the successes, assume positive intent, all those types of things, but takes some work.

[00:29:41] Marnie Swedberg: Love it. Okay, let's talk about, we're going to jump again here. Let's talk about strange relationships and we're just going to spend about three or four minutes on this one. But sometimes a relationship that is strained can actually stop us from moving forward because there's so much pain that's involved in it, pain and confusion, maybe even the shaking of the ground on which we stand, depending on what the, how close the relationship is. 

[00:30:09] So from your experience, Lenora, how do you turn around a strained relationship? 

[00:30:15] Lenora Turner: And I used the word strained for a reason because this may not be there's maybe more to it if it's a really deeply broken relationship, so I'm talking about a strained one. And for me, the biggest key when something was strained and I was feeling like I don't want to work with them really, or I can't believe they're not giving me the respect I'm due or something that I felt a strain. One of the things I had to do is really humble myself and say, I needed to give honor where honor was due. Sometimes I thought, well, I can't believe I wasn't getting honor or certain things.

[00:30:46] And I thought are you honoring them? I was number one when I was, uh, put over a team and some people really did not understand why. And they had sadly not great assumptions. I had to realize and try to look at from their perspective. And really say, okay, I need to honor them. I need to honor what they contribute, what they have, what they've got on here and not come in and pretend like they didn't know something. And I was going to fix everything. 

[00:31:12] That wasn't at all the truth. They had amazing abilities and I needed to honor what they, what they were capable of and what they've already done. And in fact, some cases, they, I knew they knew more than me. And so I honored that. So that changed, turned things around when they were honored over time.

[00:31:29] And I really humbled myself. Not putting, humbling doesn't put yourself down, it's recognizing others and recognizing how we need each other. And then it's amazing how it turned around and other ones gained great respect for me, but it came from me honoring them first. So also, being willing to listen. And listening helped me when I realized listening to you doesn't mean, I agree with you. Sometimes we don't want to listen cause we're so sure we don't agree that we think even listening to you means I agree with you.

[00:31:54] That's not, we're trying to gain understanding. Okay. So you have to be willing to listen again, it takes humility. It takes some patience. And then when you have also a relationship and you're trying to gain some traction, make some emotional deposits. If you think of a bank account, you've got to make deposits before you can make withdrawals. You can't withdraw all the time.

[00:32:13] Right? So in our relationships make little deposits, do kind things, do little things. Say thank you. All the simple things add up. And that'll help build and reconcile that relationship. 

[00:32:25] Marnie Swedberg: One of my favorite sermons ever was I was a teenager, and my youth pastor gave a sermon that was called, if you don't love something enough, invest more.

[00:32:33] And I really loved that how you said, make small deposits even before you feel the emotion of, I so want to love you. And I still want to invest in you and I still on to spend time with you. Just go ahead and do it as if it's going to be the truth. At some point, go ahead and invest early. And even in a strained relationship, you can turn that around.

[00:32:53] We're going to move on to the four simple strategies for spanning diversity on your teams. And this one, this one is kind of interesting. So some of you are like, I don't have team, but the thing is that you either have a team or you're on a team or you will have a team. This is just how life works. So let's go ahead and just, why don't you take us right through the four and then we'll come back to a couple of top points on it?

[00:33:16] Lenora Turner: Okay. And this again, like Marnie just said, qualify it if it fits you. One is take a look at your current team and there's so many talking. We hear about diversity these days, so it's broader sometimes. And what we are just given in some of the talking points, but take a look at your current team, where are you at?

[00:33:32] If you don't know where you're at, how can you grow? And then when you think of diversity, let's think of it in a lot of different ways can be diversity. Sure. Yeah, absolutely. Diversity of gender or of race or of age, but also of experience, knowledge, background. There's a lot of different types of diversity.

[00:33:50] We need to regard all of it. Another one is, put your opportunities in front of diverse groups. Sometimes that's the easiest way to build diversity is your thinking well, Hey, they aren't coming to me. How can I do that? Well, that's okay. Just put your opportunities in front of more diverse people. So they have the option.

[00:34:09] That's a great way to increase it. Partner with those groups that are already more, maybe diverse than you. And another one appreciate contributions; form your current team from those that are different from you. Appreciate them. Try to gain awareness. And, and again, that back to listening to. That's another way to do it.

[00:34:25] Marnie Swedberg: So if we would go back to the first two to assess where you are right now, and then to recognize the diversity is in many different ways, what is the value of having a diverse team? 

[00:34:39] Lenora Turner: Well, you find that everybody doesn't think like you. And that's a good thing. I mean, we have, there's a lot of great things I think about or do well.

[00:34:47] There's other things you think well, but we don't have it all. There are so many ways. And especially, you'll find people that are struggling with a problem, it's because they need another perspective. They need another way of looking at it, often. So we need multiple perspectives and there are so many more than you've thought about.

[00:35:02] It's pretty wonderful when you start to gain it. Yeah. I was talking to somebody who I adore. She's in a very different part of the world than me. And we told, shared each other's story. She's from, actually Southeast India and she was telling me some of what she grew up with. And I was like, wow, things can be so different.

[00:35:25] And she's amazing. So you want to hear, you want to learn because it's, it opens up your eyes and it makes you much more grateful for so many things and it makes you more effective. 

[00:35:34] Marnie Swedberg: Yeah. Yeah. And I think that the challenge is that because we're the most comfortable with people just like us, a lot of times we don't even recognize that we don't have a diverse team.

[00:35:44] We don't recognize that my team all looks pretty much the same, you know, and obviously not, but at the same time, a lot the same. 

[00:35:54] Lenora Turner: Yeah. Because we get comfortable. Everyone has their comfort zones and we all humans like to hang around, what's comfortable. We like it's scary, or we don't know what it is. And so you understand that.

[00:36:05] I think it's very natural for people to stick with whatever's comfortable and you don't have to be afraid of it. There are amazing, amazing, different things out there. It's okay to learn about and you find it, it just adds so much color to your life. And so much more perspective that it's, you'll become, you'll fall in love with it, with the appreciation of it, but it's normal. It is a very normal thing to want to stay in our comfort zone. 

[00:36:28] Marnie Swedberg: Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And the other advantage to having a diverse team is that everyone that you serve will be served better by the inclusion of many different perspectives and worldviews and mindsets that are coming together on your team.

[00:36:44] You'll be able to serve people in a different way than you could when you're just all from the same. You know, if everybody on your team has the same personality type, then that's the only personality type you'll ever be able to really serve. I mean, and it's this way in all categories. And so it's just, it's so helpful to our ministries and our businesses and our lives to be able to expand that a little bit more.

[00:37:11] So let's go ahead and spend the last few minutes here on the insider secrets for facing painful situations. And this could be anything from you're unclear about what your future's going to hold, all the way up to the loss of a loved one, or anything else in between. 

[00:37:28] Lenora Turner: Yeah. And this one could be quite a journey, and I'm not going to pretend I'm an expert. I've just dealt with some of my own pain and done searching to deal with it, whether that's grief from a loss or fear that that I was, that I was the negative thought I thought about myself and afraid to face that. I'm thinking, you know, and I think when you're going to face pain, I mean, who wants to? Years and years ago, I had this thought, Lenora you are afraid of your own pain and you're afraid of other people's pain. 

[00:37:56] I was like, Oh, well, that's true. What do I do about it? You know, who wants to deal with pain? You know, so one I'm going to say is, I think people need to have a safe place to face pain. You have to feel like you have some level of safety to do it. And whether that means, for me, it's a core thing is I, I got to know God's a safe place. Some people, you know maybe love God and don't feel like he's a safe place cause their perspective of him is a harsh father. 

[00:38:25] And it's like, wow, you got to get healthier in understanding who he is. But if finding a safe place, it's like, cause if you have a big thorn in your hand or you got something that you need surgery on. And they say, well, you're going to have to get on the operating table.

[00:38:39] Well, we can't operate on you if you're going to get up and bolt from the middle of surgery, you know. So you’ve got to know you're in a safe place, so you'll be there to deal with it. Yeah. So a safe place and where you're not feeling like you're going to be attacked. And so sometimes that can mean, writing it out.

[00:38:57] Maybe you don't feel safe talking about it right now. So maybe you can write it down in a place no, one's going to see it. Also talking to God. I know for me, I, it had a warped perspective of God, the father. So in a way I kind of talked more like to Jesus, cause I thought, well, he, I know for sure he was nice.

[00:39:13] I did. This was like years and years ago so it's like, I'm going to talk to where I feel like it's a safe place and just begin to pour my heart out and not try to perform, but just pour it out. So whether you writing it down. But a safe place to at least start from. And I think sometimes when I found myself, when God's working, an insecurity on me or taking, helping me get rid of some negative thoughts, he's had to help me see what he said about me that's so much better than I thought. But he, what he's done for me, what he believes about me, who I actually am as being created from his image. When I began to see that, I had enough security there. Well, then I was more willing to face the negative thoughts that I was afraid might be true.

[00:39:56] Maybe I am stupid. Maybe I can't do it. And I wasn't willing to face that. Well, when I began to realize, no, I really am created in the image of God. I really am loved by him. Then I was willing to face the things that I was afraid, dear God, I hope they're not true. What if I can't? What if I'm not valuable? So a safe place in your beliefs.

[00:40:16] So you'll be able to beat down those negative ones. It's hard to beat down a negative belief about yourself, a painful belief about yourself, if you're afraid it might actually be true. So, you know, you get some good thoughts in you, some good things in you, so you can fight those negative, painful thoughts or whether it's your own thoughts.

[00:40:34] So one is that find a safe place in various ways. I've just kind of touched on that. Another one you need to believe hope for your future. There is hope and hope isn't just, Oh, I hope I hope there is, I hope is. There's actually, it's more of an anchor. There is a good future for you. You can anchor to it.

[00:40:52] It's out there in the future, but it's a real thing. It's not just a maybe, maybe, maybe it's no, you can, you can set your anchor on it. There is a hope you're going to get there. So except that there is good things for you. Believe that there's good thoughts towards you. I think of course, Jeremiah 29:11 for God saying, I know the thoughts I think towards you, thoughts of a hope and a future peace, good things.

[00:41:16] And that's also you got to believe it's possible that whatever you need to conquer, whatever you're walking through, it's possible. And in some cases, it's about being willing to forgive. So these are big topics. So willing to, you know, sometimes… I’m seeing my own notes, distracting myself, says let the tears flow.

[00:41:37] Sometimes it's going to take, you need to grieve; you've got some pain and you've been stuffing it. Sometimes you just need to cry. There’s nothing wrong with that. Tears have been incredibly healing. They say each tear has its own chemical imprint. And I was, I haven't posted a blog on this yet, but I've been writing some things because I think it's important to know that God... In fact, there is a scripture it says God holds our tears in a bottle. He keeps them. Maybe it wasn't a bottle back then, it was a wine skin, but he keeps them because he cares so much. He knows that each tear tells a story and sometimes we need to release those toxins. Release those tears. It can be tears of joy too, but they can be healing.

[00:42:17] Let it out. We got to use our imagination, I'm jumping again, use your imagination for good. Sometimes we get, we tell ourselves the negative story and sometimes it's a story we misunderstood. But if you keep telling yourself that you get stuck in the negative story, so what story do you tell yourself? If you want to face and maybe you got to let go of that story or see the story differently.

[00:42:41] I know there's times where I felt like I was personally rejected and God helped me see, actually they didn't know how to accept anybody. It wasn't about me. It was where you're at. So the story I was telling myself was wrong. So using your imagination. Writing, sometimes your pain needs to be shared. Sometimes once you get to where you're willing to face it and you can actually use it and then use it to help others. The comfort that you were comforted with, you can use to comfort others.

[00:43:08] Yeah. So it's a big, big topic and pain is real, especially in a season of like this or a year like this. We all have faced certain things. I have much to be grateful for. But I've had struggled as well, and I'm not afraid to cry. I'm not afraid to say to somebody, I need encouragement, but I also know that some of my friends are a safe place.

[00:43:28] So whether it's, you know, finding a new set of friends, people that will encourage you. If you don't have strong friends to speak into your life, listen to podcasts, listen to broadcasts, read positive books. I am listening to stuff all the time and I'm fairly positive. But I'm always putting in good things into my eyes, into my ears, and I need to be speaking them out of my mouth, but I also need help.

[00:43:53] We all aren't meant to go through this stuff alone; we are meant to do it together. Yeah, that's not a weakness to need it. We all need each other. 

[00:44:01] Marnie Swedberg: Right. Right. Yeah. I love all those. One of the things that I like to remember when I'm in pain is however great the pain is, the blessing that's coming is even greater.

[00:44:11] And the analogy of that is Jesus on the cross and how painful that was. But look what came from his willingness to do that. And we can see this in all through the stories in scriptures. People had downtimes followed by amazing amazingly high times where God just used them, showed up for them, and restored what the locusts stole.

[00:44:35] And I really, I love, I love that principle. And when I'm in a lot of pain, I think, wow, God's got something really great coming for me if he would have me go through this pain right now. 

[00:44:47] Lenora Turner: It's so important not to do it alone and realize everyone struggles. In fact, I actually got to know Ken Falke who wrote a book called Struggle Well. There's the Boulder Crest Foundation for combat veterans and first responders. It's for trauma, and there can be post-traumatic growth, which is something he talks about. So gosh, since it came to me, Struggle Well, a great book. But keep putting good things inside ourselves and say, realize God is there; he's right there with us.

[00:45:16] And, no matter what it is, he's there and he can help. And there is a way out, there is a path forward. It can be beautiful. And he says, he'll make beauty from ashes. Oh, my God. 

[00:45:27] Marnie Swedberg: So the famous saying is this too shall pass. And I have a friend who says it this way, "this came to pass". In other words, it came with the intent that it will pass.

[00:45:37] So no, that it, however it is today, you won't stay this way forever. Well, Lenora this was so fun. Thank you for being here. And I want you guys to make sure that you go over and check out her website@leanoradiane.com. When they go over there, what are they going to find? 

[00:45:50] Lenora Turner: They are going to find a few things. They can find; I have to keep adding to the blog, but I have a podcast called 3Ps In A Pod about purpose, pathways, and perspectives. Who knows if I love that title all the time. But there are amazing interviews on there, career stories with executives, understanding some about posttraumatic growth with veterans, I have more things coming, even on Veterans Day, coming up.

[00:46:11] So topics for how to succeed on your first job. So there's the podcast. There's also information on just how I could help if you do want information on how to build your projects. And if you're working with corporate social responsibility, things like that. But I also love to encourage and speak to people, help you understand your potential.

[00:46:29] So please contact me if you want me to speak for you, I would love to encourage your teams. 

[00:46:34] Marnie Swedberg: That's awesome. And of course, Lenora is one of our featured speakers over at womensspeakers.com. So you want to check that out. And thank you so much for being here. Thanks lenora. 

[00:46:44] Lenora Turner: Thank you, Marnie. It's been my pleasure.

[00:46:46] Marnie Swedberg:  And thanks you guys. I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day and we'll see you next time. 

[00:46:50] Lenora Turner: Well, I hope you enjoyed the interview. We had a great time sharing perspectives. Now my intention FYI is to do a podcast every week, but Kathy and I, the person who helps me, my great friend who helps me with this podcast, we wrestle with, and it's mostly me wrestling with being able to get it accomplished every week.

[00:47:12] So it may be every other week sometimes, but I want to hear your feedback.

[00:47:16] I hope you subscribe to the podcast, rate the podcast and always give us your comments.  You can go to Lenoradiane.com to learn more and find other episodes.  Have a great week. Take care of you.